And more importantly, which one is your partners or friends love language?
Communication is so important in relationships and it is one of the key ingredients to success. It is a key reason for relationships breaking down, especially when someone isn’t feeling loved or appreciated.
So, have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? Dr Gary Chapman developed the concept of the Five Love Languages in 1992, introducing them in his book, The 5 Love Languages. Dr Chapman noticed when he was counselling couples that people often expressed their love for each other in different ways that their partners didn’t effectively receive. Dr Chapman invited his clients to identify the different styles of expressing and receiving love to help them to better understand and connect with their partners. He observed a pattern where partners were expressing their love, but the other partner wasn’t feeling loved because their needs weren’t being met in a way that resonated with them. The idea is that by understanding a partner’s primary love language, individuals can learn to communicate love in a way that is most meaningful and impactful to them which would then move couples towards a greater understanding and more fulfilling relationship.
There are 5 main love languages and the one’s we fall into often develop from the way that we learned to give and receive love in childhood. They are:
Words of Affirmation: Do you like to hear compliments like “You look incredible” or a note saying, “I love you”? Is it important for you to hear these words to make you feel special?
Receiving Gifts: Do you like to receive a bunch of flowers or your favourite chocolate bar and does this really symbolise to you how much you are loved and appreciated.
Quality Time: Is undivided attention the best way that you can give or receive love and do you feel the love more with some one-on-one time for each other like a walk in the woods or a date night with no distractions?
Physical Touch: This isn’t just referring to sex, but do you show your love through intimate gestures like holding hands or leaning on each other on the sofa?
Acts of Service: Do actions speak louder than words and do you like to show someone you care by doing something that makes someone’s life easier like making them a drink? Do you feel loved when someone takes out the bins for you or washes the pots?
Problems can arise if there is a mismatch in your love languages and this can explain why you are feeling unappreciated. So, it’s important to find out what you and your partners love language is so that you can attune more to each other’s needs and adapt how you show your love to each other. This will them impact on your bond by improving your connection and enhancing your relationship.
The website “Relate” actually have a quiz and a tool kit to support you with this. https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/what-are-love-languages
It is definitely worth exploring and opening up any conversation with your partner about what is working for you and what isn’t, and this is also an essential part of all relationships. Without real conversations in relationships about how you are both feeling, the relationship can become lacking in depth and connection.
So, start the conversation by exploring with your partner or friend, ‘what is their primary love language?’.